two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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