I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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