FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
