how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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