Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
He had one of those small greek statue penises
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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