The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
