I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
