I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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