I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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