alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She bit a glass in half.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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