I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
