I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
