Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
