I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
