she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
