I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
