Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
