Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
