Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
