I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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