One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
