My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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