i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
