You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
