Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
