I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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