I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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