i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
