Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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