Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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