How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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