Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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