Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
