That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
