I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize