My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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