apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
