in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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