Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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