so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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