I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
