It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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