oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
either way he was missing a nipple.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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