true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
