you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
