my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
The uberlube is also flammable
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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