In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
