I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
