I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
