im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize