Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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