He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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