I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
