I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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