You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
