Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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