I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
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