I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
